MATHETΩN

What has made me so uneasy the last few years? Today as I walked I was thinking of a lot of frustrations, but they were mostly despair whether the future will be born. On the other hand, what has made me uneasy are unconscious wishes for the past, for the past things I have determinedly abandoned. Perhaps if I try to say some of these wishes aloud, they will be less a poison floating in the air around me and will become obvious desires that I can again determinedly abandon. I feel sure I will only be be able to make a partial list right now.

• I want to be “comfortably wealthy”
• I want to live in the country
• I want my wife to be subservient to me
• I want to be her luxurious provider
• I want to be in an idolized “leadership” position, preferably in a church
• I want to be able to relax in the bosom of institutions such as a corporate employer, a church, a political party, an extended family
• I want lots of pretty clothes
• I want to collect thousands of books and lots of records and some art

There, that’s a partial but shameful-enough list. Now just to say “I renounce the devil and all his works” and mean it enough to find some rest …